...NISSANITY

Where have I been??? Well for the past month I helped raise money for an organization that is dear to my heart. Though the process almost resulted in a straight jacket, everything went well and I have peace with my service.

On a serious note, I am currently suffering from a severe case of NISSANITY!! Yes, I am still dealing with the shitty purchase of a new 2013 Nissan Pathfinder SL. I am currently on my fourth loaner since August 30th and probably on my 7th plan to do snow angels in my own shit in the floor of the dealership. Yep...I said it. This may sound insane, but there is nothing left in me that is "rational" when it comes to Nissan. I swear I saw a Nissan commercial for the new Pathfinder and I blacked out last night. The rage that is inside me is dangerous to say the least. I have tried to break up with Nissan because our relationship is no longer healthy, but they won't let me. They keep pulling me into that damn dealership where I get to see my new car sitting in their garage and I have to listen to the bullshit they vomit all over me. When I began having trouble with the Nissan

Armada they gave to me as my 3rd loaner, I prayed to God to spare them. It took six attempts before the piece of shit would crank. So, I was forced to return to the Hell hole. As I was driving, I promised myself that I would remain calm and not lose my shit. I prayed for their safety as I turned into the dealership on two wheels.

I got out all poised and looking cute and I ran into "Sam I am". Big mistake...because all "Sam I am" knows how to say is "no". Everyone knows my face at the dealership. Most run when they see me coming. "Sam I am" thinks he's a bad ass. My presence does not scare him. He asks me what I am doing here and I kindly reply "The Armada is not working." He shakes his head and says "You are having the worst luck" and the son of a bitch walks off. Nissan has provided me all of my loaners through the Hertz company conveniently located in their facility...fuck-cility...same difference. Poor Daniel at Hertz asked me what was wrong with the vehicle and before I knew it I replied.."The hell if I know. Get your ass up and go check it out". The guys around him giggled and I scolded myself because I was determined to be a lady today. Shit!!! I followed him out and of course the car starts immediately. I reassure him that I would rather be ripped have my asshole and vagina ripped openf from childbirth than come to this dealership. Finally after I watch him crank the damn car twelve times, it starts to show signs of battery trouble.

At this point, word has gotten out that Mrs. Davis is on the property. The service men come from the back to sit and watch. I calmly ask for another vehicle that would accommodate my family. Voila..they have a Tahoe and Surburban. The owner and service manager were both out at the time. So, I had to go talk to "Sam I am". This bastard tells me that they will only pay for me to drive a Nissan and they would not pay for the Tahoe that I decided to rent. I was not shocked because from the beginning he has told me "No". No..we will not give you a new car. No..you can't file arbitration. No. No. No. Well, we have started this cute little way of communicating...When he says "No", I say "fuck". This goes on for quite sometime and I have to give him props for the amount of "fucks" that don't seem to bother him. He suggested I make Hertz put in a new battery. I suggested
he put a new transmission in my new car. He stated the "rules" and how he didn't make the "rules" and it was out of his control. I told him it would be out of my control if I piss in his office. Then I proceeded to share my own rules....

1) Don't let Nissan fuck me over anymore
2) Don't listen to shit "Sam I am" says anymore
3) Don't give 0 fucks about the ruckus I am causing in this dealership.

"Sam I am a fucking asshole" proceeds to tell me what he was not going to do. WRONG MOVE!! At that point, I informed him of all the things he was going to do.

1)He was going to kiss my ass.
2)He was going to go fuck himself.
3)He was going to give me a vehicle off this property or I would bust the windshields out of every car on this lot.

We have a stare down at this point. I have decided that he will fear me. I will pull his "bad ass" card. I'm not a regular bitch. I have had a 24 week 2 day old
baby, cancer, ectopic pregnacy, lightning strike, Spinal headaches, and the death of a mother. I have a will inside of me that does not believe in giving up or taking shit. I was also beat up half of my childhood from numerous bullies. So, I dare an asshole to bully me now. I fight ugly and I don't fight fair. I recall the nurse that tried to deny my surgery to remove my melanoma at a certain hospital. I calmly told her that I was going to take a knife and cut the toe off myself in the the lobby of the hospital that I wanted to have my surgery at. She approved the hospital and I bid her a warm farewell. "Sam I am an asshole" begins to shuffle his paperwork and stops making eye contact with me. Yes.. I screamed "Look at me God Damnit" like a mother scolding her child. I asked him what he would do if this happened to his daughter and he had the nerve to say he would be mad as hell. I respond "I hope this dealership burns in eternal hell fire!!" I know the last statement didn't make much sense, but again my ability to produce logical statements have expired.  All hopes of remaining civil have gone out the window and I just walked the hell out of his office. I do my usual pacing back and forth like a tiger in a cage at the zoo and to make it even crazier...I am having a full blown conversation with myself.  I again approach a random stranger and tell her "Don't buy shit from this dealership". I then go to Hertz and tell them if they know what's good for them..they would move their business out of this dealership. I also informed them that if "Sam I am an asshole" said one more word to me I was going to knock all of the gray hair off his wrinkly ass head. The Hertz dealer got a real giggle off of that one.

Minutes later, I find myself sitting Indian style at the entrance smoking a cigarette and leaving frantic 911 messages to the corporate lady that is handling my "case". "Emily this is Timeka Davis...the owner of the pathfinder. This is an emergency. Repeat...this is an emergency. Could you call me because I am currently refusing to leave the dealership because they won't give me a replacement for the broken car they rented to me because it costs more?" I left Miss Emily Peacock 3 voice mails and of course she never responded. The SBF was out of town and had no knowledge of what was transpiring. I didn't even let my good friends know what was occurring because the last time they made me leave to avoid an arrest. I was ready to go all "balls in" up in that bitch. I was free to say and do whatever and prepared to suffer whatever consequences. After, 30 minutes the Hertz guy stated he felt sorry for me and gave me the keys to the Tahoe. He stated he would accept any payment from Nissan. FINALLY...there is still hope in the world. I rushed into "Sam I am"s glass office that would be perfect for throwing bricks through and informed him that I was leaving in the Tahoe. He stated I would be responsible for the charges and I told him he would be responsible for somebody's medical bill if they even attempted to charge me. So, I left with a Tahoe. All day I waited for the cops to show up at my job. I didn't care. I was glad I at least looked cute for my mug shot.

Never have I wanted to choke someone so much. I contemplated shitting in the dealership floor and doing snow angels. I contemplated letting the air out of one tire of each car for everyday I have been without my vehicle. This is where I am in my life....doing shit angels. Never have I wanted to badly to cause bodily harm to individuals. Nothing serious...just punching them in throat or choking them.  Yesterday, I again warned a random stranger very loudly not to buy shit from this dealership. I have had to stop myself from writing on the back of each loaner that I have had. "Nissans ain't shit" seems so logical.

Any self control that I have diminishes when I step foot on that property. I pray so hard to not show my bat shit crazy side, but I hear "No" and I have an outer body experience. I have even shocked myself with my ability to sing in an opera voice..."Fuck y'all. I hate Nissan. Fuck y'all. I hate Nissan"! This was my first new car purchase and they robbed me of any delight or happiness I dreamed of experiencing while driving the Divas around town. Instead I have developed some sort of PTSD that causes me to scream obscenities at the dealership, TV commercials, and any one driving a Nissan Pathfinder. I feel like a homeless person...carrying around my shit all the time because I have no real car to keep my stuff in. Every day, I wake up and wonder if I will get yet another call that will require me to bring the loaner vehicle in to swap out. Fuckers!! I hate them and I know hate is so bad and so below me. So, I start the cycle of praying for patience, peace, and forgiveness and then my mind wanders and next thing I know I am praying for gasoline and bail money. I have even attempted to write several letters to Nissan. Each one starts out..."Words cannot describe" then BOOM!! I have actually typed out how many times they can kiss my ass, lick my ass, and if I had nuts they could lick those too. I even type words like "sons of fuckers" and "your mama can even kiss my ass" and if I had one wish it would be the ability to have lightning strike each one of the mother fuckers in the facility that refuse to work with me. I have experienced a lightning strike...shit hurts like hell. I know...so classy. I can't help it. I have a bad case of NISSANITY!!

During all of this, I can't help but be reminded of my last car ordeal. I was 23 weeks along with my first child and the interior car light refused to turn off. I went to the repair shop for a week because they could not seem to fix it. One week and 2 days later, I gave birth to a 1 lb 8 oz baby girl. Want to talk about putting things into perspective!! I never went back to have my car repaired. I didn't want a working interior light. I wanted my baby to live. So, I just ripped the fuse box out and tossed it in the back seat. I drove for five years without an interior light in my car. It was a reminder to me to keep shit in perspective. Things could always be worse. So, I am trying to hold on to this fact. I am trying to chain it to my soul. I have seen worse. This is just an object used to transport me back and forth. Then I walk by my garage and glance out at another strange car sitting in my garage and I am all.."fuck your mother". The arbitration process has begun for me to get a full refund. I was notified by another corporate person yesterday afternoon. I guess walking off the lot with the Tahoe was the straw. It's going to be a long process..2-4 weeks and Lord help them and keep them safe.

Last night, the SBF and I decided to not purchase a NISSAN. We will cut our ties and take our business elsewhere. I live for the day I can walk off that lot with a check in my hand and scream..."All you mother fuckers can eat my shit!!" I wonder how long this NISSANITY will last. Even knowing I am going to get my money back still does not bring much peace. I want to tell the world..."DON'T BUY A NISSAN!!". I want to start a NISSAN campaign. I want my story to be told and not via the local news station because I have slashed the tires of random Nissan vehicles. I want justice.

So, now we wait for the refund amount to be determined and I pray for their souls if they come back with a number that is not satisfactory. Nashville is only 4 or 5 hours from here. I would be glad to visit corporate face to face. I know they are using all of my recorded phone calls for training purposes. So, they might as well meet the woman in person who would like to shit fire bombs in one of their dealerships.

Speaking of shit...things are getting pretty serious if I didn't even mind the fact that Brooklyn needed to go take 2 shits while eating out for dinner last night. Due to her age, I have to step away from my meal and accompany here to the bathroom. Then listen to her commentary on how many "boo boos" she has left to push out while she grunts and moans and rubs her hand on the toilet seat. The occurrence did not phase me the least bit. I am the shit whisperer.........

...irrational, take 1

For the last week, I have had some of the craziest encounters with people. Encounters so damn ridiculous that I asked myself  "Is this real life?". I know that it's mainly just "life shit", but my tolerance level is low. My behavior has even caused the SBF to call me irrational and unreasonable.

My answer to him:  "Ya damn right I am irrational and unreasonable." I don't live in a rational world. I am surrounded by four idiots almost 24 hours a day that drive me bat shit crazy. Having to say out loud "Wipe your ass in the bathroom and not the kitchen", "Why would you lick that?", "Who the hell put a hole in the wall?", "What would make you think it's okay to paint the bottom of your foot with nail polish?", "No, I don't know where your boxers are because I don't wear boxers?", "I don't know if ants poop or pee?", and "Mommy is not Kindle Fire tech support." is not rational.

And on top of my "irrational" state of mind, I am currently driving a minivan. Yes, I recall stating that I wouldn't mind owning a minivan and calling it the "Twerk Tank", but the way I have come about driving this "shit trap" is irrational and unreasonable to say the least.

Twelve days ago, I took my brand new Nissan Pathfinder to get an oil change and determine if the service men could detect what I had been telling my husband for 2 weeks. I covet my vehicle. I wash her once a week and I love her. So, when she started shuddering and losing power I could feel this dread taking over. Of course, the all knowing SBF said it was the gas I was putting in the SUV....that shit sounds "irrational"!! Needless to say, I went ape shit at our local Nissan Dealership when they told me I needed a new torque converter. When the guy returned after test driving my car, he just looked at me and shook his head. Thirty minutes later, the service lady came out and said "Ma'am, your car is almost ready". My response: "The hell it is. Something is wrong with my car." She told me she would come talk to me. I stood there and tried to listen to this woman tell me that the car I purchased less than 60 days ago needed to be repaired and she was not sure when the part would come in.

After two minutes, I nicely interrupted her and said "bullshit. this is bullshit." She was shocked to say the least, but I couldn't stop it. I had gone to a dark place and I think I cupped my mouth and turned side to side and shouted "bullshit". The next thing I know the man who did our "paperwork" was trying to calm me down and saying  that I'm lucky the car is under warranty. Of course, the f bombs started dropping, customers started staring, and I told him that it wasn't luck, but me getting f___d. He asked how could he help me and I screamed..."giveeeeee meeeeee a neeeeeewwwww carrrrrrrr riigggghhhhht nowwwww." I guess he thought telling me that "there was no way that would happen" would make me be quiet. I screamed "I'm calling my husband" and walked out the door. I planted myself right in front of the dealership on the hot ass pavement with my legs crossed smoking a cigarette. A friend was getting her oil changed and she slowed down, rolled down her window, and said "Do you need some help? Do you need a ride? I heard what happened and that's not right." I thanked her and the tears started flowing. I called the SBF for back up and his ass was stranded at home with a dead battery. F____k. It took him almost an hour to get up there and I was advised by friends to not enter the facility. So, I sat outside in the hot ass sun on the hot ass pavement...chain smoking and crying.

The SBF arrives and I lead him in and just stand back and watch. My hero had come to save the day.  Wait....WTF is he smiling?? Are they laughing together? Is he shaking his head as if to say he understands the situation? I stood there with my mouth wide open and decide to intervene. To make a
long story short, I left hysterical and calling the SBF a p___y and yelling "get some balls". His answer to my demands, expectations, and behavior..."irrational". I felt like he had just bitch slapped me. Irrational would have been me driving through the glass windows at the Nissan dealership.

I had to return to the dealership to get a 5 day loaner. Confession: Yes, I told the woman that had just finished test driving a Nissan Pathfinder with her husband..."Don't do it. I bought one just like this less than 2 months ago and it's broken." Yes, I flung Miss B's car seat full of skittles around the dealership like I was throwing beads at a Mardis Gras parade. Yes, I spent days plotting my revenge. How many shit pies could I serve up in honor of one of my fave movies, The Help.

So, I am a maniac in a minivan currently. Irrational, unreasonable, and mad as hell. I have learned that people have preconceived notions about moms who drive minivans. Public service announcement: Just because I am driving a minivan does not mean that you can cut me off and not get flipped off. It also does not mean I will not run your ass over because you fail to use the crosswalk and no I will not let you over...bitch we are going to race!!! It's like this van says to people "go ahead...you have the right away. I won't hurt you. I am driving a minivan and must be a sweet little mom with nothing to do". I have contemplated forgetting to put this minivan in park when I drop it off at the front of the dealership.

This may seem irrational and crazy, but I don't give a shit. In acceptance there is peace, so f___k it...I am irrational. Most mothers have to be. It's what drives us to fight for our children, to push the doctors to do extra tests because we just know something is not right, to stay up to the wee hours of the night to do a science project so our child will be happy and proud. Being irrational allows us to do the drop offs and pick ups for tumbling, choir, chorus, soccer, homework, play dates, school parties, etc.  It makes us go that extra step. It makes us burn ourselves at both ends of the candle which I have done for the last two weeks in a world called "volunteering?' This phase of my life will soon come to an end and I will introduce