...2013 Christmas Gifts of the Year: Coupons

As I run out and attempt to purchase gifts for friends and family, I find myself wondering "what do I want for Christmas?" Of course the normal things pop up, I want world peace, a cure for cancer, and happiness for everyone. Those are my top things by far, but if I could have some "extra gifts"....I would want a shit load of the following coupons.

1. This coupon entitles you to one dinner at which you will be allowed to actually sit at the kitchen table as opposed to standing and eat your entire meal without interruption.

2. This coupon entitles you to one free pass from having to wipe Miss B's ass while eating out at a restaurant because she is bored, ready to go home, and has picked up an attention seeking behavior called "mommy I didn't wipe my booty good".

3. This coupon entitles you to one carpool drop off line at which time the giver of this coupon will pick your fighting children up in the morning and take them to their designated locations.

4. This coupon entitles you to walk away from the shit load of homework that your children brought home. The giver will tutor and thoroughly check the homework and also provide comfort for the tears and screams that usually come with the math problems.

5. This coupon releases you from any participation in the science fair this year. Giver will not only think of the winning project, but will also build the project away from the home.

6. This coupon allows you to go get shit faced with your friends and vomit in public with out being judged.

7. This coupon can be redeemed for a courtesy phone call at which time the giver will call you and tell you "It's not you. It's them".

8. This coupon allows one free bitch night fest (alcohol provided) with giver about the struggles of parenting. Shit talking about husbands will be permitted.

9. This coupon is for one laundry pass at which time the giver will sort through the shit stained underwear, smelly socks, and filthy clothes. All clothes will be washed, folded, and put in their assigned areas.

10. This coupon entitles you to one free pass to ask the mother judging you for allowing your children to slide across the floor in the grocery store..."What the fuck are you looking at bitch? Look away. Look away."

11. This coupon can be redeemed for help getting the children dressed for church on Sundays, so that you may actually attend church with sound body and mind and not feel like you may ignite into flames because you have screamed "get in the damn car because we are going to be late."

12. This coupon entitles you to a 2 hour nap in you car in the parking lot of your choice while the giver stands watch to make sure you are not robbed or attacked.

13. This coupon can be redeemed for a shopping spree that does not involve looking for seamless toed socks because Miss B has gone without socks so far this winter. Better yet...the giver will go out and find the damn socks.

14.  This coupon will allow you to switch bodies with the giver when the SBF has decided to have a "come to Jesus" meeting about the budget.

15. This coupon is for one free pass of Taxi services at which time the giver will pick up the three Divas from three different locations, drop them off at three different locations, and pick them back up and bring them home. All of these things will be done within an allotted 1 hour time slot.

16. This coupon entitles you to a lunch free pass from the Divas' schools. The giver will show up after being given a ridiculous lunch request, rush to get there on time, and then sit as the Divas completely ignore you.

17. This coupon allows you to ignore the "Mom, come here!! I need you" at which time the giver will jump immediately and save the day!

18. This coupon entitles you to one prank phone call to the Nissan dealership.

19. This coupon is good for a "get out of taking down all the Christmas shit" card at which time you are allowed to leave the house after Christmas and return to home with your house back to it's normal condition.

20. This coupon is for a Sunday night meltdown at which time you are allowed to kindly throw all of your children's newsletters, field trip forms, and all other paperwork from school in the garbage. You are even allowed to say "Fuck this shit" for dramatic purposes.

21. This coupon is for a free night from trying to figure out what to feed your family who are not ever really pleased with anything but pancakes for dinner.

22. This coupon grants you one night freedom from attempting to pick out the Divas clothes from school only to have Miss B wear the same shit everyday. Short long sleeve shirts, leggings, boots with no socks, and a side ponytail are her favorite.

23. This coupon entitles you to "decline" the phone call from your mother in law. Giggle

24. This coupon allows you to tell your aunts that continue to question your choice to change churches ..."I see dead people, bitches!!".

25. This coupon entitles you a free pass from having to flip someone off for almost running you off the road while you are driving the three Divas and begging Miss B to roll up the window and to stop fighting her sisters. The giver will immediately step in and "flip the bird" as high as their alarm will allow it to go to the asshat that's not paying attention while driving.

26. This coupon is for a tag team pass at which time the giver will come in and play with Miss B. The giver will sit patiently and allow her to pretend to feed you with dirty ass play spoons she found under the playroom couch. The giver will also allow her to check his or her forehead for a fever with her hand that has probably been in her ass less than 5 minutes ago.

27. This coupon allows you to "tap out". This coupon can be redeemed in any situation at which time you realize that you are going to be once again sucked into doing something that will only add more stress and chaos to your life. The situation starts off with some lazy ass coming up to you saying "Do you mind....".

28. This coupon entitles you to one serenity shower at which time you will be able to lather up completely, wash and shave all needed areas, and not have to listen for screaming and fighting or have a conversation through the glass mirror.

29. This coupon allows you to walk away from the piece of shit that is floating in the toilet with no tissue paper. The giver will not only flush the toilet, but will find the culprit and wipe her ass and explain to her the importance of good hygiene.

30. This coupon gives you a free pass to think all of the bad shit, say all of the wrong things, forget some of the important things, and blow up over the little things because everyone knows you love them immensely. You love them so much so that you allow them to drive you bat shit crazy. They have your soul, your mind, your body, and your heart. They have taken all of that and yet you feel complete rather than empty the majority of the time. This coupon is for the day when "the shit hits the fan".

Feel free to change the names and pass these coupons on to friends and family. They are priceless!!