I had that moment just a few days ago and let me tell you....shit is addictive. I attended our local Junior Auxiliary Bash on Friday night with the SBF. We happened upon free tickets for my service on another board. So, I felt it was a sign to re-enter the world of Junior Auxiliary....at least as a bystander this time. I quit Junior Auxiliary last December. I was not a quitter at that point in my life. I was an "all balls in" kinda of girl. Well, I was in charge of the silent auction for the 2013 JA Ball. Real talk...I lost my shit and quit. I put all of my time, effort, energy, and eggs into one basket and dropped that basket. The auction was successful. We raised money for the children in the community, but I never bounced back. So, I quit and the heavens opened up.
The light at the end of the tunnel warmed my face and I said good bye to my friends and an organization that I hold dear to my heart. If I can't give someone my best, I don't give them any of me. This is not always good. This has lead to outrageous fucking birthday parties for the Divas, sprinkling powder on the floor for Easter Bunny footprints, doing bizarre Elf on the Shelf shit, etc. I am currently working on finding my area of "grey".
Anyway, I entered the JA bash this past Friday with the SBF on my shoulder. And there he was....I blushed. I knew he would be there. I wanted him. I came for him. I tried to not make eye contact. I could hear the song "Take My Breath Away" coming from the speakers. I felt weak....a chocolate beauty was right before my eyes and it wasn't the SBF. It was a Louis Vuitton bag being raffled off for $10 tickets. A $1650 bag bought in the flagship store in Paris was right before my eyes. I approached the table with the SBF. All, I could manage to say to him is "give me all of your cash." That asshat quickly replied "I only brought $20 bucks". I could have slapped the dog shit out of the dream killer I married. A lady had purchased $100 worth of tickets and all I could manage to do was $20. I could have stabbed him. I snatched the $20, bought my 2 tickets, and decided I would visit the ATM to get more cash after I ditched the SBF at the bar.
Well, the wine went in and my cares went out. I got to visit with dear friends, enjoy good food, and dance a little. All was well in the world. Until, I noticed it was time for them to draw for the Louis. I almost had a panic attack watching the slips of paper being tossed around. I downed my wine to help ease my anxiety. I couldn't take it. I literally wanted to shit myself. I know it's wrong to pray for material items. But damnit...I prayed.
The next thing I know...I heard the MC say" oh my gosh. I can't believe it...Timeka Davis".
Black out. Black the fuck out. Screaming. Running. Tossed my wristlet and cell phone. For 45 minutes, I jumped and screamed...not even a cute scream. It was like a roar of a wounded bear. I couldn't stop it. It was my Price is Right moment. I jumped. I jumped up and down in a maxi dress with no spanx. So, I'm pretty sure my ass was literally "clapping" with the audience. I hugged strangers.
I have never been able to not contain myself. Let me rephrase. I was not shit faced wasted and unable to control myself. I was sober for the most part. I did whatever my body would allow. I won a LV bag and for one second I felt like Beyoncé. Then, I said a "bitch please" and I felt like just "Timeka Davis". Not Timeka the mommy, the wife, the volunteer, the audiologist, the PTO president.....just me.
Side note: the SBF was making his way down the stairs when they called my name. He assumed my name was being announced because I was getting kicked out. He heard "Timeka Davis" and thought "I can't take this bitch no where. She's always acting up".
I screamed all the way home. I swear I screamed out while sleeping that night. I couldn't wait to show the Divas. I was so happy. I woke up the next morning and the sun was coming in and I heard in my head the song lyrics..."It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling...."
I asked them to take a picture of my prize. It took about 20 takes and finally I was like screw it. Miss B was hungry. I could have kicked her ass off the bed for a second. All of the Divas were like "oh, cool. I'm hungry". For one second, I wanted to shout out.."But, I have a "Louie" dammit."
I love my "Louie". I look over at him and squeal. I try my best to not get caught up in the material world. I try not to get lost in the "name brand" obsession. But, there are a few things that mommy likes...Frye Boots, Louis Vuitton Bags, Tom Ford sunglasses, Free People, Tory Burch flats, and Nars cosmetics. These items speak to me. They are my little pick me ups. They don't increase my self worth. They don't put me in a certain social or financial category. It's just shit that I like. The items speak to me. They don't tell me that I'm a better person or that I'm beautiful. I can feel drop dead fucking gorgeous in a Target dress. They are accents to me.
Let it be known that I could never afford to buy a LV bag, but I am damn sure exited about winning one. The purse costs more than what we spent on my engagement ring in 2001. Ha!! I like some
nice things. I don't need a lot of nice things. I'm a weird mix of things. I am the owner of a LV bag that costs more than my wedding band and engagement ring. And I covet my ring and band. They are a part of me. They represent who we were and still are today. I would never upgrade my rings. I am currently in my office at work aka as a previous closet with 10,000 gnats flying around. They are flying all around "my Louie". Ha!! That's some keeping it real shit.
I still have to sit an hour in car rider line. I still have to go home and help with homework. The carpets in our bedrooms are for sure health code violations. My walls and house are still full of items I have painted, repaired, repainted, bought at Goodwill, etc. Miss B is still gonna place her hand that smells like "ass" on my shoulder to whisper in my ear that she's afraid of midgets. For the last couple of days, the carpet doesn't seem so dirty, and Miss B's hand doesn't smell that bad. Maybe, it's because I keep my "Louie" in sight to remind me that I got to experience just being "me" for a moment.
Confession: sometimes I think just hearing my name called was right up there with winning the purse! It's weird and crazy. But I have replayed winning and how it felt over and over again. If I could bottle that feeling up, I would walk around spraying the shit outta people. It felt good. It was complete euphoria. The day I won my purse. I found out the two oldest Divas won an art contest at their local dentist's office. I was so happy for them. They worked so hard. They deserved to be recognized. I even accepted their winning as a win for me. I felt maybe those were the ways I would receive my pats on the backs and my high fives. I was ready to accept being their cheerleader. Their sideline mommy. My days of "winning just for me" were over. I was winning every day through them.
Then I won a Louis just for me......
And my world changed a little and I let go of those BB feelings. Giggle
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