...I'm different.

Just the other day, my youngest said "I think I'm losing my mind." as I popped a wheelie pulling into car rider drop off for school. I grimaced, but did not have the balls to acknowledge her statement. I wanted to say "Hell, we all are!!" I knew exactly where she picked up this little nugget of assessment. Thank God, she had the presence of mind to clean it up and not add my favorite "f" adjective, verb, noun, superlative, and the many other ways it can be used in a sentence. I know the level of chaos has hit a disturbing level when I just had to check myself for having a fight with an inanimate object. Oh yeah, I totally felt the garbage can judge me before I sat down at my computer to work. Today, I did not have the strength or time in me to toss an empty water bottle into the recycling bin in the garage. Yep, I am a heathen. I tossed that shit in the garbage and then had the audacity to push it way down so that my transgression would not be discovered. As the top slowly closed, I looked at the aluminum can and whispered "Don't you dare give me shit over this. I am the only one in this house that drives to recycle those damn bins and they are overflowing right now. So, bite me, Susan. You don't know my struggles right now." You would think I was hiding a fifth of Gin, but I was tripping over a piece of plastic. Now be ye forewarned, throwing a plastic bottle into the garbage can is not the worse thing I have done today nor will it be the only bad thing I will do today. I would be lying to think this action would be the only thing on my "Dear God please forgive me for I know not what I do" list. Never mind the fact that I had just pulled an "Aunt Becky" and dropped off fast food lunches for two kiddos hidden in their lunch boxes because we were out of bread this morning. 

I know I am not alone. I know things could be so much worse. We are healthy and safe. Are we losing our minds over in this house...quite possibly. But, we are going to embrace this shit show and ride it out. Bread will get purchased. My debit card that was sucked up by the atm due to my own mistake will be replaced. My washing machine will work again after I acknowledge the call center warning flashing across the screen. It's all ebb and flow. Peaks and valleys. I spent last night researching how to tell if a dog is in heat. Oh, Goggle...my Google....you never let me down. "How to deal with bitches in heat" is just what I needed to send me into fear of a porn site popping up as my youngest declared she was not putting a tampon in a dog. After screaming, nobody is sticking tampons anywhere, I ventured onto Pinterest trying to absorb enough inspirational quotes to create a "this too shall pass" cult only to somehow end up watching over 10 Jeffree Star videos on how to apply highlighter and shitty makeup. I became jealous of his knowledge and his ability to transform himself into a freaking goddess. I glanced over at my yet to have grown in crescent eyebrow that I messed up wondering if he had a hotline I could call to get some advice.
I mean where are my priorities. Why was I not googling bible stories and 4th grade reading comprehension? Had I forgotten the conversation with my youngest on how her name was "EVE" not "Evie" and according to the story...she did talk to a snake? Had I really addressed the issue of "BO" in our house and that it was not "BIO" nor was it a medical condition that warranted a trip to the doctor just some good ole ass washing and deodorant? Had I told them I loved them enough today? It is often after midnight, I assess my faults and plan to revamp my whole life like some quick HGTV fix up. I found myself dozing off. 

Then it hit me...WHERE ARE MY PRIORITIES??? So, maybe it's not my mind that is gone. I have somehow put my priorities in the wrong order. If my life was compared to an agenda, it would resemble something like the following:

I. Get your life together

    a. get your shit together

    a. no really, get your shit together

    a. you really think this is going to get better if you don't do something

    a. you better get it ALL together right now or you will be one of the Netflix documentaries

I have taken my glorious basket of strips of my life and tried to color code them. I am setting myself up for failure with every action I take to try to bring order to what I have created. I have chosen a different life for myself and my three girls. Though this change will not be what defines me, it has to be something I am willing to acknowledge. My life is different now though still messy and colorful. I am going to have to open my mind up, my heart, and my soul up and take in the big "D"....oh, get your mind out of the gutter. The "D"ifference. My shit is different now. I AM DIFFERENT. Cue 2 Chainz lyrics:

I'm different, yeah I'm different

Pull up to the scene with my ceiling missing.....

So, more strips of paper will make my load bigger and heavier and trying to put it all cute in the basket I made for myself over 20 years ago will not cut it. So, I am going to have to get a bigger basket to hold this beautiful, glorious shit I have created and then I will maybe buy dog pampers on Amazon Prime or put the extra deodorant stick back in the glove compartment of my car...just maybe....I'm taking it slow this time.  

xoxo

mythreeandme