..."SHE GONE"

Oh, I have gone and done it......I have lost my shit. The recent events and activities in my life that I like to think of colorful strips of paper have driven me to the breaking point. My strips are all scattered about like I went on a rampage with a leaf blower. Over the last few days, I have tried to narrow down the exact occurrence that has caused me to go into a dark place of giving 0 fucks. The best I can come up with is that my superwoman cape has wrapped around my damn throat and is currently choking the shit out of me as I type these words. I have always known that I am somewhat of a volunteer whore, but over the last month I have walked too many street corners. I also like to consider myself a warrior and this warrior has fought way too many battles. Seriously, I am not sure when I started swapping out happy hours for volunteer meetings, making school crafts instead of watching trashy TV, and scheduling play dates instead of girls night out. So, I am issuing a public service announcement: "SHE GONE"

I swear there are subliminal messages out there to mothers that say we must do it all, keep our shit together, and die trying. If you have not fallen victim to this phenomena, please do not judge the mother who has...send peace vibes her way. I think it will happen to all of us at one point in our lives. Either we are the bat shit crazy over the top mom or the mom feeling guilty for not being the bat shit crazy over the top mom. Both result in a mother hiding in a closet with her wine and her pills and whispering "Dear sweet baby Jesus please just let me make it to bed time." They both result in a mother feeling like shit at the end of the day and that my friends is just fucking nonsense. I read the funniest post the other week that made reference to "Namaste" and ever since I have wished I could purchase some "Namaste" water to baptize myself in...in hopes that I would resurface as a new, refreshed mother, wife, and friend. Hallelujah!!! Mama has risen...and yes I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell for the last statement.   

The very thought of volunteering, doing homework, cleaning, decorating, working, parenting, and just fucking caring sends me into slight convulsions. I have never pretended to have my shit together, but I think me losing my shit is starting to surface. I am all about letting my crazy show, but it's on my terms. I'd like to think I have some control over it, but my freak flag is flying higher by the second. I swear I caught the middle Diva looking at me today with a "what the fuck is up with my mom" look as I kissed her goodbye. I can't blame her. I would be worried too if my mom was walking around with pieces of silicone bandages on her arms and nose. When I get busy, I get clumsy hence the two iron burns on my arm that resemble suspect cutting behavior. When I get stressed, I tweeze and squeeze hence the Gorbachev scar I am currently sporting on my nose. The SBF thought it was quite entertaining to come to me and ask if I needed to "talk so someone". Me: "What the hell are you talking about?". The SBF: "I think this is how it started with Michael Jackson. Pretty sure he got stressed with all the demands in his life and he started focusing on his body and developed...". Me: "Oh, go to hell." I am pretty sure rumors will start to surface that I am in some sort of abusive relationship or either I did in fact go to the Nissan dealership and get into a fist fight with the owner. I have found myself having to bite my lip when people ask "how's it going?" because there is a beast inside of me that wants to verbally vomit some of the most foulest shit ever. These people include not only friends, neighbors, acquaintances, but also random strangers or anyone that manages to make eye contact with me. Wanting to mouth to random bystanders "this shit sucks" has forced me to make some changes in my life.

The truth is simple...I am tired as FUCK!!! So tired that I don't have the energy to fight the SBF over the fact that he put three 100 watt light bulbs in the very small hallway leading to the girls' rooms. When the middle Diva came to me earlier with a look of horror saying that the light was too bright, I just blew her off and put her complaint in the "middle child nothing makes me happy" category....that was until I cut the damn light on and proceeded to scream "Jesus Christ". The SBF is quite frugal and known for cutting the air off during the day causing the house to be a nice 81 degrees when the Divas and I come home. The shit he has put in this light socket is sure to run the electricity bill up $200 and I am too tired to express any concern. I just pray no one suffers sunburn while walking down the hall that I now call the "highlighter to hell". I am also too tired to find the energy to participate in the
schools' local fundraiser. Yep, the former Parent of the Year and PTA treasurer and VP has not sold one damn raffle ticket and she has three children in three different schools. I think the cause is great, but I cannot stomach asking one more person in this community for money. The Divas remind me daily that I have not sold any tickets...never mind the SBF...he has no obligation in this process. In their minds "Daddies work and mommies do EVERYTHING else" which will be great shrink material for them. I just finished helping raise a nice amount of money for an organization that helps the children in the community. But, in reality they could give two shits. They want the free Disney pins and lanyards for selling their tickets. I am contemplating confessing to them tonight that mommy is not going to sell one damn ticket and take them to Dollar Tree to help the confession sting a little less to them. I have also let the SBF and the oldest Diva do a school project together. Holy hell...the world is coming to an end. I closed my eyes and said a little prayer when I saw the SBF trying to help decorate a poster on Alaska last night. Then, I was reminded of  this wonderful woman I met on the beach a couple of weeks ago whose carefree personality was intoxicating. She told me the way she made it through homework and projects was by simply stating "I already earned my degree. You earn your own." I was totally dumbfounded and caught myself wanting to ask her..."is that allowed?"

So, I have realized one thing...the world will still go on without me. Other mothers are selling raffle tickets. The Divas have managed to pick out their own clothes. I even caught them putting little notes in each others lunch boxes which brought tears to my eyes. Just the other day I witnessed the oldest Diva taking the middle one to the side and telling her to slap a bully in the face...atta girl. Giggle. I tried to do it all and it sucked ass. Today, I declare that I will allow myself to give 0 fucks and let the pieces fall where they may. Funny, I never realized how much in control I thought I needed to be. So for right now... the calendar may just remain blank, homework and backpacks may go unchecked, meetings may be skipped, and emails may be ignored.

I do offer my condolences to those that will be affected by my behavior. If someone should ask, what the hell happened to me...just reply "SHE GONE".  It's just humanly impossible to be everything for everyone. So, I'm going to let my freak flag fly high in the world of not giving a shit for a little while. Join me if you would like....I'm getting on the "Peace Train".