.....04%

I often have this reoccurring dream where I show up for my final exam in college and I have not been to class all year. I sit down each time in front of the exam and have nothing to contribute. No answers. I know nothing, accept that I will fail the exam, and attempt to read the first question. Right when this happens, I manage to wake myself up, heart racing, sweating, and a sick feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. What's the hidden message? What in the hell is my subconscious trying to tell me. I refuse to let a divorce define me. I have endured losing a mother which stripped me of my identity. So, I'll be damned if the end of a marriage will be what takes me out. So, maybe this dream is the realization that the divorce was something I knew was coming, but I had not planned for it. I'm not talking about planning in the sense of the separation came out of nowhere. I'm talking about the fact that I was not prepared mentally and financially. I know I am not alone and I know there are horror stories of how a divorce can change your lifestyle, your physical and emotional health, the well being of your children, etc. So, basically I had not prepared myself what my life looks like now and maybe the failure to better prepare myself is why I find myself looking at an exam for a class that I never showed up for in my dreams.

BUT, I have learned many things about myself and life:

*I believe all of the good and and all of the bad are part of a growing process because I am not where I am suppose to be yet. Though, the uncertainty and unsettling of my soul is borderline suffocating, I cannot change the past, or try to mold the present, or wish for a different future. I tried that and the shit doesn't work. I have spent the last year desperately searching for a job to support my girls and myself. I am sure many other women in the world let their career go to shit for the sake of my family.  I don't know what America needs to come up with, but there should be something in place to better support individuals who are primary caretakers. At my former job, I recall personnel asking me one day why I didn't get my mother to help out with my sick kids. Now this is where my dark humor surfaces, "Well, I am pretty sure she couldn't hold them because she's doesn't have fingers...because she's dead." I know, I know. I could have chosen to say something else, but at that point I felt like being completely honest. So, I became a cheerleader for someone else's career and graciously bowed out of mine. This was not in some effort to become a martyr so to speak. Being a mother became my only priority. To the women that have managed to balance a career and motherhood, I applaud you. I beg you to hold tight to what you are doing. Guard it and keep it sacred. Life has a way of testing you and causing you to make choices for what you think is the greater good. Don't you dare keep your ass on the sidelines. You get in the game or you will risky slowly watching your reflection in the mirror disappear. 

*The biggest mistake in life is to lose your sense of worth. Many will try to convince you that your worth is determined by the six figure salary on you income tax returns. Let me tell you now, it is not. I remember an accountant telling me over the phone last year that I contributed to 0.04% of my household. I fought back tears, laughed in her face, and hung up on her. Finally, someone who knew nothing about me put a number on my worth. 0.04% was on paper. I wanted to trace my hand with my middle finger sticking straight up and 0.04% written across my wrist and mail it to her. I also contemplated taking .04% of my foot and shoving it up her ass. Instead, I just flat out called bullshit. I took that piece of paper and shredded that shit. She knew nothing about the sacrifices I made, the sleepless nights I endured with sick children, the numerous science projects I helped create, the cupcakes and cookies I baked for events, the bad ass Halloween parties I threw at numerous schools for my girls, the amount of hours I spent in my car going back and forth to get every child to their destination, the amount of videos I watched on math, how to properly apply glitter eye shadow for cheer competitions, the endless cleaning, landscaping, and all other chores that I deemed I was solely responsible for. I was brainwashed into thinking my worth could only be proven via a check. Well guess what....nobody paid me for the shit I was doing. So, I knew damn well that I was worth more than 0.04%. NEVER let someone determine your worth.

*My passion has not yet met my calling. This has been the hardest obstacle. Raising three girls by myself and trying to maintain a grasp onto something that brings me joy is damn near soul threatening. I know a little bit about everything and have been given these shitty, but amazing life lessons. I have been rewarded with a sense of humor that I swear could lead to a pretty nice stand up tour if I didn't have trouble with public speaking. My last blog posts allowed me to receive many gifts of encouragement. I have had so many people reach out to me about divorce and mental health over the last couple of months. The comments, advice, stories, and support have fed my soul. Nobody wants to feel alone in this world. I swear I want to start a "Lets stop faking it" movement. I'm currently sitting in my bed in the same pjs I had on yesterday. I feel like the walls are closing in and I am tired of forcing puzzle pieces together. I miss friendships that some how got lost in my choice to close a chapter of my life. I sometimes miss the dinner and party invites. The girls trips. The financial means to do more. I remind myself that this is only temporary and I have a shit ton to be thankful for. I'm getting a do over. So, if you don't know your ass from a hole in a ground right now. It's okay. 

*I am insane because I have children and that's okay. My Divas are getting older and real shit is surfacing. The real, make you cry in the closet, stalk a kid, bite all of your nails off life shit is AT IT'S PEAK! Every single day for the last the last year, I am sure I have fucked something or someone up. I have not said the right thing or I have literally blacked out during hard conversations. My three girls are evolving into little women who scream at the fact that I share "their business". I want to tell them "you ripped my vagina in half...you have no business", but instead I weave through the ins and outs of our lives and choose what to share and when to share it. Just know...if they ever go into comedy...all of the stories are TRUE!!! Currently, Miss B only wears black capri leggings and shirts that hang off her shoulder...I could give a shit less. Another Diva loves to watch shows that would scare the piss out of me. My most sensitive Diva continues to pray for those that hurt her instead of having a come to Jesus meeting. These three little girls have taught me to LET IT GO and I hate that movie and song. The more I let them evolve into who they are suppose to be, the deeper my love grows for them and for life. I have learned more about these three little girls by stepping out of their way over the last year than I would have ever learned by trying to have all of my shit together and keeping them in line. Miss B just laughed her ass off at something on television and I am comforted by her precious little laugh. Then I pray that she's not watching something inappropriate. Just now a kid entered the room and stated "she needed to start swimsuit shopping for the summer." Uhm, I'm wearing whatever swimsuit I have in my closet and it's fucking raining outside why are you thinking about swimming!!! Now, another one has decided based on YouTube videos to print out physical examination templates to play with. What kind of physical exam is she trying to conduct? Is this the gateway for a future doctor or some type of illegal shit that will make a Dateline episode one day? My last child is walking around like Rosemary's baby because a dog pissed on her curtains. I politely tell her where the urine stain remover is as I lay under a torn up duvet compliments of a puppy. We are all taking one for the team over here. So, buckle up buttercup!

*I talked to a friend recently and we discussed a very wise woman telling a room full of women to put themselves first. This woman is someone I aspire to be. I swear she walks on clouds. She is meek, but strong. She's the closest thing to Mary Poppins I have ever encountered in life. She is graceful. She is patient. She is kind. She is giving. Like when I see her, I want to sit in her lap and cry. I know, totally weird. She has a peaceful spirit and I always walk away wondering "HOW IN THE HELL CAN I GET SOME OF THAT SHIT IN MY LIFE?" I don't lie to myself and think she has not suffered. We all have battles and demons. We all have out shit. I just want some of that inner peace to rub off on me. And maybe, just maybe...I can get a little closer by learning to put myself first again. When did it become a thing to not put ourselves first as mothers and women??? If not first, how about a very close second? If I look at my life right now, I have 3 girls and 2 dogs ahead of me and I wonder why I keep dreaming of failing a college exam. Maybe, I am the class that I skipped all year....


xoxo
mythreeandme

  

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

And they lived happily ever after....
separately 

I'm back. I think. Giggle... Where did I go? I wish I could entertain you with a wonderful story of a sabbatical about me touring the 10 most beautiful places in the world and learning the meaning of life, love, and true happiness. I may not have left the country, but I left my marriage. Ha! Yep...the big "D" word. I am divorced AF. Many have asked me why? What happened? I am into year one post divorce and honestly I don't know what happened anymore. Meaning there was no life changing event that occurred. I changed my mind. Some may gasp at my attempt to keep my reason simple, but in hindsight I simply changed my mind. I let go of what I thought I needed my life to look like to survive. We live in a world where we often hide behind the idea of what we want our to life to look like and forget to make sure the photos on social media, trips, inspirational quotes, funny videos truly represent the life we are living. It's a hard pill to swallow to realize your present reality may consist of how things used to be or how you wanted them to be. A marriage is a union of two people, but nothing guarantees those two separate individuals will continue to want and need the same things. I find it odd that many of us can understand that most things come with an expiration date except when it comes to marriage. I know the vows I took said "till death do we part" and by damn I meant it. I didn't realize the death I would experience would not be in the physical sense. You cannot thrive in an environment that becomes unhealthy. The part of me that was willing to continue to ignore the fact that I was drowning in something that had become toxic...died. We were no longer bringing out the best in each other. Holding on to a relationship of that nature, will eat away at your soul. So with the help of friends, I collected the pieces of me that had not died, changed my mind about what I wanted, and signed the papers in the parking lot of UPS. That was my "till death do we part".



I have learned knowing the details of why people split up does not change the outcome. A marriage still ended. Rarely, am I given a high five when faced with telling people....except from the fella at Tuesday Morning. I remember I was in line purchasing items one afternoon and someone asked "Where have you been???? How's the family? How's the sexy bald fella?" It's funny how these questions or comments never hurt. If anything, I feel sorry for the individual that is going to feel like they just stuck their foot in their mouth. So, I said "Girl, divorce. I am divorced now." Of course, she gasped and teared up. She managed to get out a "NOOOOO!!!!!" I of course tried to lighten the mood by suggesting she spread the word. I am not ashamed of getting a divorce. Hell, I beg my friends to gossip and spread the word. Anyway, the guy at the counter looked at me, looked at her and looked back at me and said "Hell yeah! You do you girl!! I'm happy for you. Time to celebrate!!" I have never enjoyed high fiving someone so much before. Those who have gone through divorce know that leaving something familiar to enter into the abyss is treacherous, gut wrenching, paralyzing, debilitating, and suffocating. The valleys are like quick sand and the peaks are like ant hills. But by damn, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can celebrate deciding that two individuals no longer brought out the best in each other. You can celebrate having the courage to realize what you had was not what you wanted anymore. You can celebrate shedding the facade that you or your partner had your shit together. You can celebrate dying and being reborn because divorce is a death of a union and individual deaths of the participants. You will not come out of a divorce the same. Divorce affects your children, your friends, your family, your financial security, your mental health, your emotional health, your physical health, etc. I am thankful for the friends and family members that have supported me. There is no better way to love someone than to love them even if their life no longer resembles yours. People will talk. Friends will not make the journey with you. Family members will put you on every prayer list in the state. Folks will avoid you in fear that they may catch it...divorce. And I'm pretty sure at some point I thought I saw a colonial woman on the wing of an airplane. But...when it's over, you get to start climbing out of that damn quicksand and up the mountain again with another piece of paper that you have collected.

Divorce papers...I kept the originals and shredded the copies. I contemplated burning them. Something about burning shit and divorce automatically go well together. Luckily, the part of me that refused to let a piece of paper define me did not die. My life is a collection of strips of papers. Two College Degrees ✔ Marriage License ✔ Job ✔ Three birth certificates ✔ Deed to a home ✔ etc, etc, etc....Divorce Papers ✔. Life is not about collecting these perfect pieces of paper and placing them in your LIFE book. Yes, each degree, each birth, each new job should be celebrated. Just know that to live a life that is manageable...you are going to have to ditch the book and buy a big ass box because life will shred those papers. Screw taping them back together to put in a book. You collect those shredded pieces and let them create a beautiful hodgepodge of all that you are. One item no matter how bad you want it will not define who you are. So, shred that shit, toss the pieces in the air, and let them fall as they may. The last year has consisted of many "D" words...divorce, disappointment, dancing, decisions, deal breakers, delirium, delight, devastation, dreamlike, disgust, etc. All I can do is toss most shit to the wind. Some days the wind is a hurricane and I swear I think this will be it. This will be the event that gets me locked up in a pink padded room with unicorn stickers and a helmet. Some days, I feel like I am one more life changing event away from starting my own underground fight club and punching people in the damn throat. Then, the wind settles and life keeps going and you think "well, damn, not fucking today...I guess. Not fucking today. Ha."


My three girls have been the most understanding souls throughout this process. They have experienced pain and disappointment with grace and mercy. There is something to be said when you tell your children you are getting divorced and they don't beg you to not do it. Sure, there was shock, questions, tears and fear, but they saw our flaws and let us have the opportunity to do right by them and to do right by each other. They have even found the humor in having their parents split which I baptize myself in everyday. Maintaining a solid sense of humor throughout the entire process has allowed us to laugh through the tears and it feeds my fucking soul. They joke about the night we told them. They were expecting a pregnancy announcement. HA! They tease me about having to change my email, log in, and social media pages because "mrsdavis0601" is not who I am anymore. I have told them plenty of times that particular choice is right up there with the strawberry tattoo on my ass that now resembles a strawberry patch. I thought it was so cute at the time. HA! If anything, I hope through this process they have learned that they can change their mind. They can decide to let go of what they thought their life should look like or what they wanted their life to be like and toss it to the wind. In anything we try, we may not get it right the first time and that's okay.

So....that's basically where I am now. I'm raising three girls as single mother and every day I realize how much better of a mother I am to them now. A year into being divorced and I'm slowly finding my voice again. I have learned so many lessons like the first thing you should buy when moving into a new home is a plunger. I have learned the importance of having some awesome fucking friends. I have experienced unconditional love and forgiveness. I have learned my daughters are stronger than I could have ever imagined. I have learned who is in my tribe for life and who was in my tribe for a season. I have realized I never liked the color red though it was a prominent color in my house before I got divorced. I have noticed some shit is just not worth sharing, saying aloud, or giving energy to. I am slowly figuring out how to share my stories, my truths. I have learned to love my life and my flaws. I am starting over and I am trying my best to be better. I am watching wounds start to heal and folks move on. I am at peace with my marriage ending. An aspect of peace that I feel to my core every time my head hits the pillow at night. I have realized I will be okay...even on the days I'm running on "E", questioning what the hell am I going to do with my life, who am I, how will I support myself and three girls, and rushing to the car to bring dinner home only to find one kiddo howling in the car because her sister is on bluetooth screaming because she called Alexa a "dodo" and Alexa said "ordering a dildo" and everyone's screaming "cancel the order" and I am feverishly searching Amazon Prime on my phone praying to sweet baby Jesus that I can stop the madness and at the same time stop the kid that started the whole saga from screaming "what's a dil-do-do?" and my ears are ringing, my arm pits are sweating, and I want to put on my hazard lights and speed to get home to make it all just fucking stop....And there you go.....You just read one long ass run-on sentence, but that's the closest way I could possibly share what my life is like most days. A long ass run-on sentence. Yet, no dildo was ordered. The girls ate their dinner in silence and fought back laughter as the youngest sat confused as to why I snatched Alexa out the wall. All I could manage to scream aloud was "IT'S a bad word. STOPPPPP saying it. No more calling Alexa names. Don't talk to Alexa!" I checked Amazon Prime 18 times and played out horrific scenarios of possible recipients under my saved addresses. The thought of their father, my friends, or family members receiving a dildo from me sent me to bed early that night with a twitching bottom lip. I never bothered to ask how the oldest two knew about a dildo. I decided to save that PBS special for another day. I just plopped my head on my pillow because I knew I dodged a "bullet"...literally that evening....fire away.