...Channel 0

If I could describe the physical and mental state of the Davis Household right now, I would suggest to turn to Channel 0. You see that black and white fuzzy screen with white noise. I think some refer to it as "tv snow"...that's us!!!! We visit this channel often...

We are almost 3 weeks into the school year and the excitement has worn off. The Divas have homework and extracurricular activities. Fixing their lunches in the morning has lost their "cuteness". Picking out their clothes at night makes me tired. The adrenaline we experience is always great the first 3 weeks and then the SBF and I wake up and we look like we have been on a drug binge involving "tv snow or tv blow". We our low on energy, contemplating vacations away from each other, and over the whole "school" business.

Back to school requires routine, organization, patience, and a shit load of sanity. The Divas are getting harder to wake up. The homework is getting heavier. The smiles and waves in the carpool drop off line in the morning have faded. Right now, I try not to throw my hands in the air when a parent kisses their
child twice in the carpool line. Immediately, my self talks escalate to "This bitch should have kissed her kid 8 cars back. I have two more f_____g drop offs. Goooooo!" Calling out spelling words has ended. I just enter all of their shit into spellingcity.com, let them go at it, and walk away. The lunches have gone from extravagant fresh fruit with cute little notes to bagged chips and a smilie face scribbled on a napkin. The emails and texts to volunteer are no longer greeted with a smile, but a "WTF, I'm not Jesus." The drop off at tumbling for an hour is no longer a hand in hand skip to the door, but a get out fast because I have to go pick up your sisters goodbye.

Maybe we are on the wrong channel because we put too much into it at the beginning. We go all balls out and then all of a sudden...I can't get out of bed on Sunday, our house is a wreck, there is a pungent odor that won't go away, and the kids are fighting. I lit so many candles in this house yesterday, you would think we were getting ready to "exorcise the demons". The SBF discovered his blood pressure is elevated. F____k!!! My psychiatrist put me on a sleeping pill the same day. WTH??? We both can't go down. Someone has to stay strong. It's a fight to "who will tap out first".

Yesterday afternoon, I thought our Channel 0 was going to jump on over to disconnected cable. The SBF locked his keys in his company car. We are very different in how we lose our shit. My shit fits come very often, so it's no surprise when I start dropping F bombs. The SBF maintains his cool most of the time, but when he "drops his basket"....the episode is terrifying and insanely comical at the same time. He is known for literally running away on foot from closing his finger in the door. He is known for opening the patio door and flinging a bag of chicken out into the kudzu. He is known for taking off on his bicycle. So, yesterday I witnessed his eyebrows move from a horizontal to vertical state. His legs began to shake at his desk and the vein in his forehead began to bulge. Miss B asked if he was sick and instead of me replying "sick in the head". I told her he was just frustrated and needed a timeout. I sat in the bed and tried to remind him that his blood pressure was already elevated, but it was too late. I tried not to giggle in anticipation of what would happen next. I also tried my best not to be selfish and say "Please keep your shit together because I have 3 PTA meetings this week." I sat for 20 minutes listening to him take deep breaths and angrily type on his computer. When the locksmith showed up, he just sat there. I finally convinced him that he must go outside to meet the guy. I was waiting to see his car blast out of the driveway backwards while burning rubber. I was waiting for the f___k screams to begin.

Instead, he returned with his eyebrows still "at attention" and began to get the Divas ready to go to the Lake as promised. I wanted to take each one of the Divas and explain that daddy is on a bad station and to please be gentle with him. They all calmly piled into his car as if to already know that daddy was having an episode. I watched them drive off and said a little prayer. Dear sweet baby Jesus, please let no one cut him off while driving, please let the Divas show their appreciation for a trip to the Lake, and please give me the motivation to clean this house and not waste my free time on FB or pinterest.

They later returned all in one piece. They seemed normal and happy. There were no looks like "daddy said f___k five times in the car". I cautiously approached him and gave his crazy ass a big hug. I even whispered how proud I was of him for keeping his shit together in his ear. He chuckled and confessed that he almost "took off walking", but didn't want to scare the Divas. Bless him for his will power.

Hopefully, by midweek will be back on a normal station...preferably an HD channel. The Divas set their alarm last night and it went off at 3 am. They woke up and got fully dressed. Confession: I slept through it all. I assume they woke up the SBF and he made them go back to bed. I woke up to Miss B fully dressed and shoes on and asleep next to me. I tried not to laugh when I looked at their bewildered faces when I got up. Their eyes were red and they were swaying from side to side.

Today, I plan on climbing the roof and shaking the hell out of the satellite for we must get it together

...just say yes

Public service announcement:

I am an advocate for prescription medications. Circumstances in my life have occurred that require the assistance of medication. Pristiq and Xanax have worked well in my life over the last two years. Am I ashamed? Hell no!!! Life can suck ass sometimes and breathing in and out just won't fix it. Lately, I have read articles where asshats are going in on moms who take medication. They are afraid there is a pill epidemic. How about there is an "I'm tired as shit" epidemic. By the time I finished the article, I was pissed. I wanted to send an email to the writer full of real naughty words along with an attached video of Miss B having a shit fit because she can't tie a bow around her doll's head. Or maybe they would like to see the three Divas have a cat fight over a blue damn marker. But I decided to be the better person and take my pill and ignore the nonsense. The nerve of some to judge us. Everyone has their own struggles and coping mechanisms. My coping mechanism is provided by the good ole folks of Pfizer.

Many say that present day mothers are using medication as a cop out and mothers back in the day didn't need medication...blah...blah...blah. Those bitches weren't happy. They were faking it. Holding strong to some f____g rule that motherhood was never hard and always rewarding. Putting on fake ass smiles like they had their shit together only to be rewarded by little Johnny smearing shit on the bathroom walls.

I think times are changing. More mothers realize that it's okay to just say yes. Yes, my kids make me want to punch myself in the face. Yes, I have contemplated slashing my husbands tires before a night out with the fellas. Yes, I have screamed back at the little shit screaming in the car because it wants ice cream for dinner. Yes, I have given my kids a box of cookies just so I could zone out on the couch. Yes, I have gone days without showering. Yes, I have watched my child spill an entire cup of juice and walked away like nothing happened. Yes, I take the long way home when I get to ride in the car by myself. And yes, I take medication to keep from going apeshit in the carpool line because the jackass in front of me cut me off. Yes, yes, yes!!!

I take medication so that I will come home from the grocery store and not follow the highway exit marked "Freedom". I take medication to keep me from verbally abusing the Best Buy Geek squad guy for his "judging look" when I sort of push Miss B.'s head off of me. He doesn't know my struggle. He doesn't know this bitch touches me with her nasty ass fingers all day. I take medication because the people that have my heart drive me crazy on a daily basis. I think some fear the use of medication will have them walking around like a zombie. I beg to differ. I am more present than ever before. There is a clarity that is offered to me when the food has burned, the kids are whining and the SBF is out of town. I am able to see through the smoke and tears and realize that the world has not come to an end and that this moment of hell shall pass. I am a much better mom....not a perfect mom because I am not Jesus. But, I am a better mom.

For those who can function without medication, I applaud you and give you a high five. My personality and expectations out of life will just not allow it. I never knew how much I liked silence until I had children. I never knew how much I liked objects to stay in their assigned places until I had children. I never knew how much I liked to be alone in my thoughts. Everyday it's a constant struggle to make what I like fit in my life with my Divas. What in the hell happened to my wants, needs, desires, and aspirations? I tried saying the hell with it and giving them all of me....shoving all of my needs into a little box. As time passed, my little box became a ticking time bomb. "Life shit" happened on top of just being a mother and Boom!!!!!!! I am in a strange doctor's office crying hysterically and repeating "I don't know why I am crying, but I can't stop and I'm sorry". I cried to the nurse. I cried to the receptionist. I cried in the waiting room to any stranger that would make eye contact with me. By the time, I saw the doctor I was a snotty f_____g mess. His first question "Are you okay?". My response, "I'm fine". Like a Stepford wife, I responded with my go to phrase. "I'm fine". What I should have said then was "I'm a fine piece of complete fuckery."

Well, my yellow brick road lead me to a psychiatrist. Why people are afraid to say they see a shrink is complete nonsense!! I get to visit someone who only wants to hear about me and my life and my issues and my struggles. Hallelujah!! I have an insane love for the three Divas and the SBF. Their souls are intoxicating and I am addicted to them. That addiction though causes me to lose myself. I can't make them my all and everything. It's not fair to them or to myself. I have let go of all the beliefs that I cannot have a world outside of them. I have let go of the idea that motherhood is always rewarding. I have to let go of the guilt I carry when I don't want to play f_____g barbie dolls, but instead I want to watch shitty reality TV.

So, there are circumstances in my life that I cannot change right now and until then I will gladly accept a prescription that will allow me to maintain. Hell, I drink coffee in the morning to give me a boost or kick to get my day going. So, I take a little pink pill to keep me from singing a song in the car while bussing the three Divas around called "Shut the f____up, Shut the f_____up. Please, oh please, shut the f_____k up." I don't have my shit together like I want, but I am at least keeping my shit together. The blocks are not all in a row perfectly alphabetized, but they are in a basket. Everyday I just try not to drop my basket.

So wherever your yellow brick road takes you on the journey of motherhood.......
just "Do you boo!"

...meditations and medications

It's after midnight and Miss B had a bad dream. She is snuggled up next to me and my heart melted just a little. Forgotten is the afternoon of her screaming like a lunatic because she wanted her sisters to tell her who to pretend to be. I wanted to suggest..."How about you not be a little ass right now?" The days are starting to run together and just yesterday I realized school starts in one month. For a split second, I was weary of what was to come. I do believe that it is time for the Divas and I to not spend so much time together, but I am in no way ready for homework, projects, carpools, and shit. There has been no schedule this summer which I think has contributed to the psychosis in our house. For the last week, Miss B wakes up crying, whining, angry, and just plain pistified!! This is my third child, I should know how to handle this, how to comfort her, how to distract her, and how to not reinforce this behavior. So far, I just stand over her with 4 boxes of cereal screaming "You ate all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms!!! Pick something else."


This child is seriously still connected to me by an invisible umbilical cord. Confession, I am a night owl. I stay up late to do chores, crafts, blog, watch TV, and just sit in quiet. Lately, I have sacrificed sleep just to rise before the monsters wake up with their demands. I just want to drink my coffee in peace. Miss B has installed a f____g device in me that alerts her when I am up and moving around no matter how quiet I am. Instead of greeting me in the mornings with a kiss and a hug, she comes at me like I'm her bitch. She then attempts to crawl back inside of my womb. I quickly reach for my meds and pray that they will kick in before I shit myself in the kitchen. For about 2 hours, this child proceeds to throw shit, scream, demand Coca Cola for breakfast, strip down, and wrap her naked body around my leg while I am making her cereal.

This happens 96% of the time. Funny, how everyone else in the house sleeps through these manic episodes. By the time they get up, I am exhausted.. They wonder why I am walking around with red beams shooting out of my eyes. They wonder why I have snot all over my PJ's (Miss B likes to use my PJ's instead of tissue). My eye is twitching and you can sense that I am about to reenact a scene from Mommie Dearest. The SBF kisses my forehead and says "Rough morning?" I imagine jabbing him in the nose, but instead I smile and sip my coffee (Bailey's with a little coffee). It is obviously his damn genes that cause this behavior. I am way over blaming every behavior my child exhibits on me. Sometimes their "shit fits" having nothing to do with my parenting style. They are very selfish little people with their own minds and agendas. Miss B prefers to eat her boogers. I had nothing to do with that shit and refuse to take responsibility for it. I think so many people see children misbehaving and look at the mothers who are trying their best to keep their shit together and judge them...label them as failures in the "how to teach your kid not to strip down in Wal-Mart" section. We must take into
consideration that these little people have a mind of their own. I don't like boogers. So, I am sure as hell not gonna take the blame for Miss B eating them.  The little old ladies in the grocery store love to stop and tell me "You have got your hands full" (translation: Dear, do you realize one child has her dress over her head and the other one put her mouth on the the shopping cart handle?)

So, once again I have found myself reading

 Meditations for Mothers of Toddlers.

Shit is serious when I have pages bookmarked with sticky notes.

I would like to share a couple of topics and "jumping off statements" to take with you throughout the day:

1. BURNT OUT MOTHERS: I am a loving mother. But if I hope to be a constant source of love and affection, I must spend some part of each day giving to myself. (My translation: It is okay to tell your children you have diarrhea and you are going to stink. This will allow you time to play on your smartphone or read a book or stare off into space.)
2. APPLES AND ORANGES AND PINEAPPLES: I will trust in my own abilities as I mother three very different little individuals. (My translation: It is okay to be at peace with the thought that one of them may be a little "different" or "special. I will no longer question if this one is ours").
3. SLEEP DEPRIVATION: Sleep is essential to my well-being. If I can't get what I need during the night, I need to schedule time to rest during the day. (My translation: I will no longer try to hide the fact that I take naps during the day from the SBF. I will also not feel one slither of guilt for putting in a movie for the Divas, telling them to not wake me unless they are on fire, and taking at least an hour nap.)
4. SUMMERTIME: My family will have to adjust and readjust to new routines. If I remain flexible, I can keep us on track and enjoy the flow. (My translation:#B.D.K.M.V).

So, as the end of summer approaches and the chaos of back to school begins, take time to remember....

...son of a beach

Rain, rain...100% chance of rain...son of a beach. Day two of heavy rain at the beach is enough to make me accidentally take my meds twice again. I survived yesterday so I am thinking it won't hurt me. Being in a zombie like trance may keep me from streaking through the condo's courtyard. At least I know I am not in shock by the weather. As I was hiding out at the gazebo last night, I was comforted by the lady who came out on her patio and looked to the skies and said "unfuckingbelievable". Right on sister!! The sad part is I am a parent. I cannot just say the hell with it and drink myself into a stupor, sleep the day away, watch adult TV, or read a book. I am a mother and somewhere it is written when you become a mother and sign all your hopes and dreams away that you become superwoman.

Luckily, I amongst other parents. Four adults and 5 girls under the age of 10 can get a little tricky. There is an unspoken understanding that it's okay to use your "I'm going to lose my shit pass" and go hide in the bathroom (my place of choice), closet, or one of the bunk beds. For the last two days, I have struggled with my responsibilities. Will I rise to meet the challenge that awaits? Will I be the mother that comes up with alternative activities today or the one that sits in the corner zoned out? Or will I be the one who says "Your gymnastics skit really sucks ass." or "I don't want to watch you or anything about you. How about you watch the back of your eyelids?". So far, I am in the corner. I am trying my best to channel that positive thinking. So far all I can do is throw up my middle fingers to the rain, the clouds, the thunder, the lightning, and these kids that I love with all of my heart. At least the darkness has not plagued all of the other parents. They are my lifeline right now. They are dancing and shit,,, they Wobble and sing "we are, we are,  not your ordinary family...close as close can be". Bless their heart. I hate that damn song. Damn right we are not your ordinary family. Right now we are starring in a ratchet reality show and definitely close as close can be. Did this mother f____r just bring the twin mattress into the leaving room so these kids can jump from the back of the couch to the mattress?

Yesterday, we ventured out to the movies and shopping outlets with 9 people and 4 umbrellas. We arrived to find that every tourist in Destin had the same f___g idea. After standing in line for what seemed like eternity, we discovered that the next 3 shows of Despicable Me 2 were sold out. SHOCKER!! Honestly, I didn't want to see the damn movie anyway, but again thank goodness for the other parents. We bought tickets to the 5:30 pm showing. Great!! Three hours to kill and the savages are starving. After learning there are 45 minute waits at every damn restaurant, we decide to leave the area and return for the 5:30 pm movie. Loading 9 people into an SUV can be a task. I can't help but to think that the SBF did not mean to almost run over my foot with four toes. I choose to believe that he did not realize I wasn't in the car yet. He didn't realize the door was still open and could not feel the rain coming in. He was obviously so distracted. My first reaction was to stop the tire with my finger of course which left a nice tire burn on my finger. Luckily, the four letters words that I screamed caught his attention. 

Our restaurant of convenience and choice was....the WAFFLE HOUSE. I am in no way shitting on the Waffle House. I like the Waffle House. Luckily the Waffle House was empty. I guess everyone was eating at the local seafood restaurants. We have the place to ourselves. I have tapped out as a parent. My finger is burning and all I want to do is drink my coffee and say a mass of four letter words. I am not alone though. My friend's husband has gone mute. His silence is comforting. I wonder if he is on the verge of losing his shit. Sadly, I hope so. I hate to be alone. Giggle. The SBF decided to purchase 8 song selections on the jukebox. He was delusional at this point. I can only hope the video cameras in Waffle House post his dancing in public on YouTube. I do hope they look over my behavior at the table.  Don't judge me.

 

We made it back to the shopping center just in time for the girls to go shopping before the movie. We spent the majority of our time in Justice....just-the-f_____g place I want to be...in a children's store full of neon shit, zebra pillows, lip gloss, BFF necklaces, and other kids. I tap out again as a parent and leave. I venture into a t-shirt store that will personalize any clothing item they have. They have logos on the wall that you can pick from. I was at home. Tons of inappropriate shit covered the walls. I felt like a kid at a candy store. What ratchet shit could I get for myself and my friend? Something that says we are mamas that still got it. After picking my fave logo and having it put on a tank top, I was on cloud nine. Until, the lady told me that I owed her $63 bucks for two damn tank tops with shit on it. I know I have grown as a person because back in the day I would have told her to lick the crack of my ass and walked out. The tag on the tank top said $19.99. They failed to tell me the extra cost for putting words on it. After saying shit and damn about three times, I take out my wet money and toss it at the deceitful bitch. 

We finally arrived at the movies and I can't wait until the damn lights go off. 3D movies make me a little sick sometimes and just our luck the only seats available were the ones that were the second row from the front of the large ass screen. I found myself relating to the purple minions in the movie. Not

only did the rain and salt water have me sporting the exact same hair do, I felt like going around biting shit. I could only verbalize monster like screams when a kid would tell me they have to go piss or they wanted something to drink. Anytime they asked me to do something, I wanted to growl.

We returned home to one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Double rainbows...I took full credit for this phenomena since I decided to do a spiritual dance in the parking lot of Waffle House in hopes that the rain would go away. I took it as a sign of peace in the valley.

The night ended with more dance offs. The more it rains...the closer we become one family all right. Two dysfunctional families have meshed into one big ass crazy family. Hell if you can't beat them, I guess join them. Meet my other alter ego...Twerking Tammy of the Temple. You can't see her mic or her frog cape, but she puts on a great performance. Shout out to the lady in the t-shirt store for making two mommies "twerk tank tops". I told the girls "twerk" meant "skipping". Pretty sure that will come back to bite me in the ass just like removing my privacy filter on my IG account and posting pics with hashtags milf and mamastillgotit on them. I have opened up my world to a diverse group of followers: porn stars, little boys, and perverts. NICE!!!! My instagram account resembles some shit from MySpace. Hell, when life hands you lemons or torrential rain pour....twerk somethin'. 

 

...Mother's Cure

I looked at our calendar on the fridge last night and was floored with the date. Is it really almost July? Where has the summer gone? Holy hell the madness of back to school will be here before we know it. I was shocked by the anxiety that I felt. Am I anxious because I will miss them or is it homework? Is it the fact that the youngest is entering preK and the bitch barely knows her numbers? Is it the fact that everyone that resides in this house thinks that I am a walking Wikipedia?

With summer comes the welcoming of pool parties, porch parties, beach parties, splash parties, slip n slide parties, and any gathering that involves enjoying the weather, the sunsets, and the fireflies with family and friends. With it also comes hours spent at a hot ass park or pool while you watch your child do the same stupid ass flips over and over again. The profanity increases and exhaustion starts to eat away at all of your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and desires.

So, let's celebrate this last week in June with a cocktail!! Let's take our cups and fill them and toast to not running away just yet. Let's toast to the fact that our cups truly runneth over. What should our poison of choice be? Try one of my fave drinks to serve called Mother's Cure.

The recipe is listed below and I swear it will cure the shitty summer blues, the tired as hell blues, and the what the hell am I doing with my life blues. Let today be a mother's cure movement. It's time. I see us moms in the grocery stores, the department stores, gas stations, toy stores, book stores, and you name it. I see the illness eating away at our souls in all of us. You have to have the summer blues. It's very easy to diagnose being that I am currently a victim. The kids are winning and we must fight back.

Today, I will cure myself from the sheer rage I  felt when I was talking to the SBF this morning....

SBF: I really need to get on my lesson plans for the girls this summer. They will have all of July to
work on the assignments.

Bubble over my head: WTF did he just say? Lesson plan...HELL NAW!! He can kiss my ass. HE IS
NOT A TEACHER. HE HAS NO TEACHING EXPERIENCE. Jesus be my shield

ME: Really? I think the girls are fine. Miss B will eventually learn that the last letter of her name
does not start with the number 14. Also, the teaching methods have changed so much that we may
teach them the wrong method.

SBF: Well, it's not the method I am worried about. I'm going to focus on common core.

Bubble over my head: I have had less than five hours of sleep. I really don't give a shit if these kids
can read right about now. AND you travel mister. So, who the f______ is going to implement this
lesson plan/common core shit? NOT IT!!!!! Why does he say stupid shit in the morning? Is this real
life?

ME: Great idea. I'm going to go back to sleep for a couple of minutes. I suddenly have a headache. I
guess the sleep deprivation is catching up with me. (POSITIVE THINKING)

As I rolled over to stare off into the abyss, I said a little prayer...

Dear Lord, please let there be enough Tito's in the cabinet for my Mother's Cure. And watch over my children and husband today. Put your arm around my shoulder, your hand over my mouth, and your foot upon my foot...so that I will not kick the SBF in his throat this morning. AMEN 


So get cured now because the madness will not get better...it will just change in a couple of months. I command you to call up your frands, invite their kids if you have too, get some buckets and a water hose (no this will not lead to waterboarding), and put them outside to play. Don't bother with something fancy!! Just do it. Cheers!!!

 Mother’s Cure

•    12 oz frozen pink lemonade concentrate                              

•    1 lemonade container full of vodka

•    3-12 oz beers

•    2-12 oz sprites

 Stir together, chill and enjoy!



A comment from a friend's mother after having just one cup of Mother's Cure:

 "I don't know what's in Mother's Cure, but I been cured." 

 

Let me know what you think!!

 



 

A while back, Southern Living, did a write up on how people party for games in Oxford, MS. They came by our tent and took a picture and wrote down the recipe for Mother's Cure. Let's hope we see this recipe in Southern Living one day. 

Public Service Announcement: Please drink responsibly. Many of my friends both female and male have been found ass up and face down in the grass or finding themselves toying with how much fun streaking would be!!

 

.......B.D.K.M.V

I was having a pretty good day at work today. I got my paperwork turned in, tested some ears, returned emails....basically a productive day. To top that off, a young coworker had just finished complementing me on my outfit. So, my happy ass decided to take a short cut via nature trail through the woods to another building. I was feeling good...looking good...and dammit...

My ankle sort of gives out and I rip my damn shoe...in the middle of the woods. Shit! So, I hobbled back to my office and passed the coworker who was now looking at me like wth??

Never have I let having my big toe amputated stop me. I refuse to let it slow me down. I'm not ashamed. It is what it is. So....

Today was no different from any other day. Yep, I taped my shoe together. Technically, my foot is taped to my shoe. Giggle (it's okay to giggle). And as I walk to my car, I will hold my head high so the world may see that "Mama still got it" ...tape and all. Ha!!

Really, the sad part is I could give two shits what it looks like. I actually think it's hilarious to say the least and the best way to get a new pair of shoes out of the SBF. So, if you are having a bad day look at whatever is bringing you down and tell it.......

                         B.D.K.M.V

At least, that's what I chose to do today. This positive thinking may be working after all. 

....positive thinking

As a mother, I am sometimes frightened by the thoughts that run through my head. I am pretty sure if the bubble over my head was visible to the world, I would be in deep shit. Lately though, I feel like my children and husband can read my mind. They know what I am really thinking and it scares me. So, I have decided to try to channel positive thoughts. I found an old email about how you know you need to pray at work and realized that some of the examples were very similar to what I face everyday as a parent. My examples are listed below.....

Number 1
TRY THINKING: I think you should maybe call a plumber.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY THINKING: She's just going through the terrible 2, 3, and 4s.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bitch.

Number 3
TRY THINKING: Perhaps I can fold all 12 loads of clothes by myself.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY THINKING: I'm certain there are no monsters under your bed.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way possible.

Number 5
TRY THINKING: Really? Well, accidents happen.
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me. You did not just spill a jug of f____ing milk on the floor!

Number 6
TRY THINKING: Perhaps you should tell your father...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY THINKING: I don't know where you left your keys, dear.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem..

Number 8
TRY THINKING: That's interesting after a recap of a Max & Ruby episode by Miss B.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Max is an asshole.

Number 9
TRY THINKING: I'm not sure if mommy can fix this toy broken into 26 pieces, but I will try.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY THINKING: Yes, I'll try to make the birthday party on such short notice.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY THINKING: He's had a hard day at work and needs time to decompress.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY THINKING: The guy who just cut me off in traffic with my children in the car must have an emergency.
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY THINKING: So you didn't like the meal mommy cooked? Was it to spicy? I'm sorry it was "kinda sorta nasty".
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY THINKING: I'm exhausted. Wonder if he will mind doing bath time tonight?
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm going to bed.

Number 15
TRY THINKING: I don't think he understands how much it bothers me that he leaves his shoes all over the place.
INSTEAD OF: He can shove those shoes up his ass.

Number 16
TRY THINKING: I think it's time for her nap.
INSTEAD OF: I wish she would go the f___ to sleep and shut the f___ up.

Number 17
TRY THINKING: Maybe, I should try to spend less money.
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made him boss?

Number 18
TRY THINKING: He's somewhat insensitive at times.
INSTEAD OF: It's his mother's fault that he acts this way.

Number 19
TRY THINKING: Maybe it's time for mommy to go to time out.
INSTEAD OF: As soon as the sun sets, I'm going to pack my shit and leave.

Number 20
TRY THINKING: Gosh, I was really enjoying the five minutes I get to watch TV, but of course you can turn it on PTI.
INSTEAD OF: Bitch don't kill my vibe

If you are caught in a world of negative thinking, maybe these suggestions will help you channel positive thoughts. Because I am positive I will shank one of these individuals in my house if I don't.

Namaste Mother F_____s!!