....positive thinking

As a mother, I am sometimes frightened by the thoughts that run through my head. I am pretty sure if the bubble over my head was visible to the world, I would be in deep shit. Lately though, I feel like my children and husband can read my mind. They know what I am really thinking and it scares me. So, I have decided to try to channel positive thoughts. I found an old email about how you know you need to pray at work and realized that some of the examples were very similar to what I face everyday as a parent. My examples are listed below.....

Number 1
TRY THINKING: I think you should maybe call a plumber.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY THINKING: She's just going through the terrible 2, 3, and 4s.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bitch.

Number 3
TRY THINKING: Perhaps I can fold all 12 loads of clothes by myself.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY THINKING: I'm certain there are no monsters under your bed.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way possible.

Number 5
TRY THINKING: Really? Well, accidents happen.
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me. You did not just spill a jug of f____ing milk on the floor!

Number 6
TRY THINKING: Perhaps you should tell your father...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY THINKING: I don't know where you left your keys, dear.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem..

Number 8
TRY THINKING: That's interesting after a recap of a Max & Ruby episode by Miss B.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___? Max is an asshole.

Number 9
TRY THINKING: I'm not sure if mommy can fix this toy broken into 26 pieces, but I will try.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10
TRY THINKING: Yes, I'll try to make the birthday party on such short notice.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY THINKING: He's had a hard day at work and needs time to decompress.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY THINKING: The guy who just cut me off in traffic with my children in the car must have an emergency.
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY THINKING: So you didn't like the meal mommy cooked? Was it to spicy? I'm sorry it was "kinda sorta nasty".
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY THINKING: I'm exhausted. Wonder if he will mind doing bath time tonight?
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm going to bed.

Number 15
TRY THINKING: I don't think he understands how much it bothers me that he leaves his shoes all over the place.
INSTEAD OF: He can shove those shoes up his ass.

Number 16
TRY THINKING: I think it's time for her nap.
INSTEAD OF: I wish she would go the f___ to sleep and shut the f___ up.

Number 17
TRY THINKING: Maybe, I should try to spend less money.
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made him boss?

Number 18
TRY THINKING: He's somewhat insensitive at times.
INSTEAD OF: It's his mother's fault that he acts this way.

Number 19
TRY THINKING: Maybe it's time for mommy to go to time out.
INSTEAD OF: As soon as the sun sets, I'm going to pack my shit and leave.

Number 20
TRY THINKING: Gosh, I was really enjoying the five minutes I get to watch TV, but of course you can turn it on PTI.
INSTEAD OF: Bitch don't kill my vibe

If you are caught in a world of negative thinking, maybe these suggestions will help you channel positive thoughts. Because I am positive I will shank one of these individuals in my house if I don't.

Namaste Mother F_____s!!