...road trip take 2

We're 4 hrs into our trip...I think. I currently have lost my ability to add. After Miss B and I started feeling nauseous and passing sulfur bombs, I realized that maybe we all are car sick. My middle one and I usually get car sick. So, I made sure to treat her with meds before we got on the road. She's feeling great right now. Guess who else feels great...the SBF aka SOB. So I have come to the conclusion that we are all car sick because he is swerving trying to read an atlas, look at the GPS, and drive. 

At this point, I suggest he pull over to the gas station. I take all three of the girls to the bathroom while he goes off by himself. Funny...one thing I hate about road trips is the fact that he still gets to piss by himself. Bastard. 

Well, I make friends with the lady behind us while waiting in the bathroom line. Old lady: "them yours." Me: yes ma'am. Old lady: "all of them". Me: yes (I wish she would stop talking to me) ma'am. 

I get everybody to the bathroom and hands washed in record time. Yes!! Feeling good and walking to the car. Shit!!!!!!!!

I left my wallet in the bathroom. I race back and explain to a younger woman why I need to cut her in line...my wallet is in there with the old lady. And I begin to pray "Jesus, please let her be a really sweet old lady in real life. Please don't let her steal my credit cards and cash. Please let her be honest and return my wallet to me if she comes out with it in her hand. Dear lord, please let me show some restraint and not jump her ass for my wallet. Amen". 

I decide to get so close to the damn door that she is startled and jumps back when she opens the door. "I'm sorry. I left my wallet." I explain while I look and block her at the same time. Luckily it was there and I felt bad for thinking such things about a sweet lady. As we walk out together, she says "better be glad it was me in that bathroom". Me: yes (better be glad I didn't have to beat ur ass over my wallet. Holy hell. Wtf is wrong with me?Did I miss my meds this morning?) ma'am. Bye

I get back into the car and divide out Nutella and pretzels and demand they watch something on Netflix. I settle into shotgun aka "the bitch that does everything for everybody in the damn car" seat and pop in my earbuds....

Silence...wtf??? Yep. The water damage to my phone killed my external speaker and now I can't listen to my music with my earbuds. After 15 mins of shaking the phone and blowing into it like an old Nintendo cartridge, I give up. I look out the window and let a tear run down my face. I refuse to take the earbuds out. They were my only barrier from the chaos. As I contemplate jumping out the car, I start to feel sick again. 

I look over there and that SOB is at it again. Wtf is he doing? is he just reading the atlas for fun? Me: "I think I'm getting car sick. Please put the atlas away". SOB: "I need it." Me: "use the GPS". SOB: "I need both". Me: I'm going to vomit and then I'm going to snatch that atlas and throw it out the window. SOB: "well, then we won't get there". Me: **silence** and I look out the window. 

My oldest: When will we get there?

SOB: In three and a half hours

10 mins later 

My oldest: how much longer?

(You're as dumb as your daddy. I'm going to ask this asshole to pull over so that I can buy a 40)

 

I'm going to try to sleep with my earbuds in and no music playing...just to tune out Josh and his music selection, and his singing, and swerving, and the kids whining and "did he just turn the GPS all the way up???"

Son of a f____r!!!!!

To be continued