...heart break

So, I had just finished typing up my summer fun list post when my two oldest girls ran into the bedroom in a panic. Yes...it's almost midnight and they are still up...it's summer. Anyway, they sprint into our room barely able to get their words out. They hear Abby (our bird) in a panic outside. We have checked on Abby and her eggs at least four times a day. We have worried about her decision to nest in the middle of our yard instead of around our tree. We have seen a fox patrolling our neighborhood the last couple of nights. Being the great parents that we are, we don't rush to go check on her. The SBF found the girls holding hands and praying. Such a touching and shocking sight made him rush to get a flashlight to go check on Abby. The sickness he felt when he approached an empty nest was heart wrenching to say the least. He slowly came back in to find two of his little girls still holding hands and praying. Their hearts were broken with the news. The emotions I felt were all over the place. I was so proud to see them pray without being told, but my heart ached with each tear they shed.

They never cease to amaze me to the point that I ask myself if they are even my children. Their hearts are so pure and innocent at times. We consoled them the best we could, but I would have given anything to take their pain away. For one second, I contemplated running the damn fox over with my SUV the next time I saw him.

I realized that "reality" is what I want to shield them from the most. A world full of sugarplums and gumdrops is what I wish I could promise them. I struggle everyday with protecting them from the bad things that will happen, but it is inevitable. I will do my best to guard their hearts and their spirits and honestly, I will probably run the damn fox over.

I went out to patrol the yard and I could see Abby a few feet away. She was squawking and flying around. I watched her day in and out protect her four eggs through the heat, through the storms. Unfortunately, it was just not enough. I was shocked that she reminded me of myself during my pregnancies. My oldest was born at 24 weeks and 2 days at 1 lb 8 oz. She is our miracle baby to say the least. Every pregnancy after that, I swear I took every precaution I could to "cook" my babies to well done. I remember basically tiptoeing around and actually squeezing every muscle down there to help hold them in. Sounds crazy, but I am sure it is what any mother would do. I had two successful full term babies and one ectopic pregnancy in between them. So, my heart ached for Abby. I had watched her do all that she could. I could not help but to remember the things I had to tell myself to keep from feeling like a failure. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a baby or child. The devastation that one feels is suffocating. Any loss of any kind can rip you apart. I was forever changed after the death of my mother. But time heals...every day starts to suck a little less and you find that you are soon able to breath again.

I realized this will not be the last time they will encounter heart break. There will be death. There will be little boys that will break their hearts and cause me to stalk them in the middle of the night. I often imagine myself re-enacting the scene from The Help when she tells the little girl "you is kind. you is smart. you is important" or better yet I will pay tribute to my mother and grab their beautiful faces and tell them "it's because you are pretty and they are ugly". Damn, there will be disappointments. There will be hard times. Those times will just be seasons of reality.

All I can offer them is love and comfort and reassurance that they will survive anything they encounter. I will offer myself as an example that it does get easier. My life has been changed in so many ways. Letting go of how I thought my life would turn out was the best thing I could have done besides seeking a psychiatrist.

I am pretty sure it will take serious medication to make it through the years with these three little divas that I love the shit out of. Three little divas that I love so much that I have now decided to purchase a dozen wild animal traps for that damn fox.....bastard!