...my summer fun list

Let me tell you, this summer fun list for myself has been harder than I thought. With the birth of each child, I have learned more about myself as a mother. I have successfully made my children my number one priority and by doing this I have lost pieces of myself. I honestly don't know what I would like to do for fun that would involve just me and not these three little shits that have such a tight grip on my heart.

The guilt that parents deal with is insane. Have we become so brainwashed that we have lost the very essence of who we are? I have stated before that becoming a mother and a wife is like taking a nice stack of stationary and shoving it down a shredder one piece of paper at a time. I love my shreds of paper, but I have had a hell of a time trying to find the strips that are just me. The funny partying girl in college is long gone and will not return. I have tried to bring her back and realized vomiting all of the steps of the Snoop Dog concert at the age of 35 is not cute. Especially, when that SBF is trying to give me a lecture on "why he's not going to kick it with me anymore". Really...could he just have held my hair back like old times and shut the hell up?

As I type, Miss B has stated 18 damn times that she has vomited in her mouth, her toe itches, and there is something growing out of her arm. She just asked me "Mama, what kind of dreams do you have? I have bad dreams like I am stuck in your trunk and that's why I get in bed with you at night". I feel bad because I want to tell her to please just watch The Smurfs and shut the hell up. She does not want to know about my dreams. She wants to monopolize the conversation and scare me with her morbid lies and stories. My dreams...well the ones at night include a reoccurring dream that I am not prepared for class. I spend hours in panic because I have to take an exam for a class that I did not attend all semester. I wonder what this means? My daytime dreams involve sitting peacefully on my porch while my children run, giggle, and pick flowers. I often find myself pretending I am on the beach with a drink in my hand, sand between my toes and then Carlos my waiter comes to adjust my umbrella and he tells me....."Mama, I don't want to die." WTF did she just ask me. I am slapped back to reality and now wondering why must I entertain a question about death. Carlos was just going to tell me that my appointment to go horseback riding on the beach was scheduled. Damn dream killer!

So, maybe the only way I can come up with a list is to think about where my mind wanders and what my soul yearns for sometimes.

MY SUMMER TO FUN LIST:

 

1. I will read an entire book and not feel one slither of guilt. I will not beat myself up for reading instead of folding laundry, doing dishes, or playing Barbie dolls.
2. Every night, I will venture into the playroom that they never play in and I will throw a toy away in hopes that they will begin to appreciate the shit they have. I will not be ashamed of the joy I feel during this process because every day they break something of mine.
3. I will watch what I want to watch during daylight hours while my children are awake. I will not wait until they have gone to sleep. I will tell them this is my room and I am going to watch a "mommy" show and make them go away. If my demands are unsuccessful, I will make sure to turn on Stephen King's IT and let them innocently walk into the room.
4. I will sit on my front porch to smell my gardenias by myself.  I will not scream at them to stop calling my name, but instead put my ear buds in and close my eyes.
5. I will shit in peace at least once a week. I will lock the door and shove a towel under it to avoid any attempts of conversation and demands. I will announce I need privacy.
6. I will listen to one song that I want to listen to in the car at least one time a day. Kidz Bop can bite me.
7. I will use my over sized bathtub for myself at least once a month. I will not allow it to always be a pool, a hide and go seek location, or a place to catch the SBF's toenail clippings.re.
8. I will sit beside my sexy bald fella. On the days that I have not threatened to go streaking through the neighborhood because he is taking a nap, I will cuddle up next to him. I will not wait for the sun to go down, but will cuddle with this man during the day when we are all piled up on the couch watching some ridiculous kid show....BECAUSE I WAS HERE FIRST.
9. I will arrange a pool date with my girl friends. Every summer, I spend countless hours at the pool with the three divas. We are the family that shuts the pool down because one of my pukes in the damn water. There is nothing relaxing when you have three kids at the pool. So, I will lay out with my friends and my wine and I will laugh and nap. We will talk trash about our families and my soul will smile.
10. At least once a week, I will make them be quiet and look out the window sometimes.  I will stop attempting to answer all of the questions they ask me in the car. I can attribute 75% of my road rage to the fact that I have tried to figure out what boogers are made of or where birds sleep? They will look out the window at the beautiful trees and flowers or they can close their damn eyes. Either way, there will be silence.

So, what is your summer list? Do you dare? It was very difficult coming up with ten things that I would like to do. Confession: I was so curious about the journey I was about to take that I resorted to googling "a mother's summer fun list" and barely found shit. 90% of the few I did come across involved children. This made me want to puke.

I love my children, but it can't  be healthy for me to continue to fill my days with keeping them happy. So damnit, I have a list now.  By number 5, I started to feel a touch of guilt. I began questioning whether or not I really do those things and don't realize it. By number 7, I was starting to think I was a selfish bitch of a mother who would for sure ruin her daughters. But, I got my shit together and came up with something.

 

If we are not better to ourselves, we will not be better for them. In my case they will get a worn out mother walking around with clenched teeth, and a damn eye twitch. And that my friends is not how I shall roll!!! Funny how I started to title my list "a mommy's bucket list" and by the time I finished typing this I found myself wanting to replace the "B" in bucket with "F'.